9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
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Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.