God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.