Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.