britain’s three elite institutions
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I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Need WebMD
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..