6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door