Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
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HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.