As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Tough love is true love
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I will never stop laughing at this
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*