I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My dad.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
A leaf blower, but for people.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
everyone has that one prude friend