If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops