Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
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Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Mood.. 😂
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?