wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
can you read it!!??
maan!
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”