[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
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I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf