grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
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I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.