Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
2022: I can fix it
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face