Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Canadian owl: Eh?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet