[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.