fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.