Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
New tinder profile pic
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously