tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
The Weeknd is back
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!