4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I need a headline like this
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.