Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
April 1st is the class clown of days.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries