a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
The A string on my guit_r is flat
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?