isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Lmfao
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
she has a point
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u