HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You Might Also Like
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.