There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.