If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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Great Canadian literature.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.