WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I put the hot in psychotic.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.