[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
You Might Also Like
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.