I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
pep talk
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
are they though??
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<