Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.