Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
You Might Also Like
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
👾👾👾
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
God, I love Scotland
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.