I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them