“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
#parenting
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
May have had one breakfast too many
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
beware of dog
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”