[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?