[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”