Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
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Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
This kinda thing happens to me often
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
dutch so unserious
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.