Can’t, holding a grudge
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Had an epiphany today.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I’m tired tomorrow.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire