Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
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Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.