Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
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Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Help Wanted
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount