Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.