me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Maths meets science
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*