My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
don’t we all
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Hit me in the face with a bird
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.