I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
You Might Also Like
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me, flirting😏
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Sticker placement is key.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you