According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
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Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.