Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
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Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’