“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.