*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
The only equipped I am is ill.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.