Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
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satan: not today, microsoft teams
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)