Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
*seductively corrects your posture*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims