my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
BaD BoY!!
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
All generalizations are stupid.